October 3, 2008
feelings, nothing more than 
I just got back from a work lunch which left me feeling very lonely. Though that has really been the dominant feeling for the last couple weeks.
My beloved and I are no longer together. I made some ill-advised statements, hoping to generate a conversation, and he left. We talk daily, but we aren't really talking. The situation is completely and totally out of my control now. I feel abandoned, I feel sad. I feel like I may never stop crying.
From My Stroke of Insight (by Jill Bolte Taylor), I've learned a little about feelings and the brain. My feelings of grief and sadness originate in my limbic system. The limbic system is a section of the brain that we share with other mammals. It controls our ability to pay attention, our learning and memory, and fear and rage. The limbic system is like a 2 year old that never matures, it just reacts, which maybe explains why I start crying with no provocation.
The feeling of aloneness, of my skin not touching his, refers to the kinesthetic experience, touch and palpation, which involves the postcentral gyrus of the cerebral cortex. And the feeling, the intuition, that I've entirely fucked this up, is grounded in the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex.
I really don't know anything yet about the cerebral cortex, but it's clear I need to learn.
Some things are good. I'm glad that he's no longer in the house, though I miss him so much that I think sometimes it will crush me. Even though I so want to reconcile with him, I suspect we have irreconcilable differences, which doesn't stop me from hoping that perhaps something will change.
Posted at October 3, 2008 | Comments (4) |
September 4, 2008
the ride into work
a photo by Bandita!
This morning, I rode over 10 miles.
That's the longest I've ridden in a really long time. And admittedly, that's not contiguous. I rode a little over three and a half miles from home to the Goose Hollow MAX station, and then six and a half miles from Quatama into downtown Hillsboro.
It felt great. I'm surprised at how great it feels to be riding so much.
At Quatama, I rode south on 205th to Baseline. Here in Washington County, the bike lanes start and stop at will, with no warning, and generally in the worst possible places, like after a curve crossing a bridge.
Sometimes there are bikes lanes. Sometimes there are sidewalks. Sometimes there are shoulders. Sometimes, I just take the lane. What's a girl to do?
I cross Beaverton Creek, and then another creek.
Right after I cross 231st Ave, I must be in Hillsboro, because suddenly the next street is 60th Ave. Noble Woods Park is across the street, full of very tall evergreens and looking very sylvan.
At that point, about 3 miles into that leg, I feel like I'm almost there.
Posted at September 4, 2008 | cycling
August 29, 2008
...
I am continuing to struggle with making some decisions and working up my courage. I am continuing to mourn changes in advance to making the changes. It's pretty much occupied me all my free time of late.
But I've been noticing that if I can get some bicycling in, I can break my moroseness, and get back to something like myself. So I'm upping the biking. It's a mental health issue. I'm okay with that.
Posted at August 29, 2008 | Comments (3) | thinking about activity
August 13, 2008
hello, all!
Hi, it's me. Sorry I've been so quiet, it's just there's been an awful lot that's happened and that's still happening. This is really my whirlwind year of change. Whether I like it or not.
I've been focusing more lately on what I'm eating and drinking, and the types of exercise I'm getting.
Maybe a month or two ago, I borrowed a folding bike from a friend, and I absolutely adored it. It rode great. It folded up tiny. It weighs next to nothing (or, 30#). So I took a couple of weeks to think about it, and finally went a few weeks and bought one. A folding bike of my own!
I'm loving riding it. Today I rode 2 miles into town, and then another 4.5 miles from a train stop to work. It really makes me feel good -- and it makes me sleep good, too.
And yesterday, for the first time in I don't know how long, I went to the gym. I did some upper-body strengthening that I'm still feeling. But it's a good feeling. I'm planning to go back in tomorrow.
_________
Sometimes, I think I'm really doing well, self-esteemwise. And then.... like yesterday, or the day before, I saw a picture taken in June. It's not flattering, at all! All I could see in the photo was my belly. Now, I'm not deluded. I know I have a belly, and I'll probably have a belly the rest of my life. Even when I got down to my post-college low of 160#, I had a belly. I doubt it's the first thing anyone notices about me. But for whatever reason, that's what I see on myself.
I want to love my body. But I want you to love my body as well. Is that too much to ask?
Posted at August 13, 2008 | Comments (2) | body image
April 12, 2008
motor vehicular breakdown
This has not been my week, transportation-wise.
Admittedly, I finally got my transit pass, which makes me insanely, insanely happy. I was losing hope that I would ever get it.
But, I've had two motorvehicles die on me in 6 days. I'm feeling a little superstitious at this point.
I was running out to Tigard to see a friend on Sunday when my clutch failed on Hwy 26. I got up the Sylvan hill, and up the Sylvan exit, and then the car stopped and refused to go any further.
Two days and a lot of money later, I had a car with a new clutch... that still isn't running right. I wish I had a mechanic that I could trust.
Today, I had thought I would be meeting my friend downtown ... but she wanted to meet at her house (not convenient to public transit). Okay, so I jumped on the scooter. We were going to get breakfast at a wildly popular place, and then go to the Farmer's Market, go to her favorite chocolate shop, REI, and then our favorite restaurant for some good yiddish soul food.
But first, I had to stop at the ATM about 15 blocks away.
And when I tried to start the scooter again, no such luck.
I had a big hill to walk the scooter up, and then of course, the rest of the way home. It took an hour and a half.
It was notable that black folks were the only ones to stop and see how I was doing, or if I needed help. I saw lots of people while I pushed the damn 350# scooter home, the vast majority of them white, but I had one woman commiserate and offer her phone; two guys on bicycles stop and ask how I was doing and if they could help; and a clutch of women on a house stoop commiserated, offered the phone, and offered to help.
Two of my neighbors (also african-american) scolded me for not calling them (if only I had had their numbers with me!).
Obviously I need a new plan of action. I'm going to:
- get on a towing plan (AAA or BetterWorld)
- get a new cellphone where I can actually hear the person I'm talking to
And right now I'm going to take a nap, because I'm exhausted!
Posted at April 12, 2008 | Comments (2) | off-topic
April 6, 2008
Vietnamese Cabbage Salad
This theoretically will serve 3-4 people as a main dish, but that hasn't been my experience. In my household, it serves 2, and is a topic of conversation for weeks afterwards.
This is based on Guilty Carnivore's Vietnamese Chicken Slaw, which I'm guessing is based on the Spicy Cabbage & Chicken Salad in Andrea Nguyen's Into The Vietnamese Kitchen.
Salad Components
1 head green cabbage, shredded
2 carrots, shredded
(instead of cabbage & carrots, I use prepared coleslaw and broccoli slaw mixes)
1/2 bunch of cilantro, chopped coarsely
24 leaves spearmint
12 purple perilla leaves (these are available at a Viet grocery -- if you can't get them, just add another 12 leaves of mint)
Dressing
2 cloves of garlic, forced through a garlic press
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
Juice of two small limes (or one big lime)
3 tablespoons sugar
a dash of salt
1 and 1/2 tablespoons fish sauce
3 thai bird chilies, minced
1 and 1/2 tablespoons sesame oil
1 teaspoon garlic chili sauce or siracha
Garnish
Handful of roasted peanuts (no skins)
First make the dressing, combining the ingredients above and giving it a taste to be sure it is as you like it. I used a Korean hot sesame oil, which just about blew my head off, so I skipped the hot peppers and hot sauce completely (and added more rice vinegar, lime & fish sauce). If you don't care for spicy hot, skip the hot stuff, and reduce the sugar to a teaspoon or less, tasting for seasoning.
If you want to be super traditional, chop the garlic & peppers, and then use a mortar & pestle to pound and mash them. The smell that come off them when they're pasty is so superior to my quick version, and it really doesn't take that much longer.
Now, to the salad. Chiffonade your herbs, and put them in a large bowl. Add cabbage & salad (or slaw mix), and toss thoroughly. Just before eating, add the dressing and toss to mix well. The salad may wilt a little -- that's no problem. Now taste it for balance of sour, sweet, salty & spicy, and transfer to a serving plate leaving any excess dressing behind. Garnish with roasted peanuts.
Posted at April 6, 2008 | recipe
February 19, 2008
the force of memory
It's so very strange how life is -- don't you think? Yesterday and today, I've gone off diet, so to speak, and eaten meat and dairy.
Now, I do think about meat and dairy all the time. I think several types of thoughts:
- gosh, I feel better since I'm not eating that
and
- gosh, that tastes so good, I hope I'll get to eat it again.
I always think that meat and dairy are going to taste better. No, they taste different, but not better. In fact, I have to say that I've felt a bit let down with each bit of meat or dairy I've had.
I remember feeling this way after the 6 week vegan detox last year, that this stuff was okay, but not the great fantastic thing that I had been expecting. So why do I keep going back for more?
For the most part, it's a social thing. Though today I just broke down and I have no excuses other than that I thought it would taste crazy good. And really, not so much.
++++++
Yesterday was fun. My sweetie had to work so I stayed home and got domestic. I made no-knead bread, veggie stock, and then red lentil soup; I washed clothes and did other unromantic things which made me feel all swell inside.
And to my great shock, I am continuing to lose weight very slowly. This weekend, I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, I got vegan cookies and desserts, I ate chocolate. And still lost weight. I spent most of the weekend on the couch, just lying around. And still lost weight. It's crazy.
Posted at February 19, 2008 | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0) | off-topic
